


Chasing Pavements

by Loreley90



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:27:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27984573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loreley90/pseuds/Loreley90
Summary: How will Captain Bishop take it when she hears her beautiful Italian girlfriend calling the name of her ex in her sleep? Will the first steps of their cohabitation become more difficult or will it be the excuse to deal with issues that have not yet been fully resolved?
Relationships: Carina DeLuca/Arizona Robbins, Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 84
Kudos: 327





	1. Me, you, her

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Chasing pavements](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27983295) by [Loreley90](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loreley90/pseuds/Loreley90). 



**Carina POV**

_ You’re sitting here in front of me... Every word you say a new wall rises between us, higher and higher, more and more thick. Until there doesn’t remain even a shadow of you, of us. I feel so bad because I can’t blame you, what kind of person might find a fault in your decision. You’re choosing your daughter’s happiness, and I know that even if you’d never admit it, you’re choosing yours, too. You chose her... the mother of your child. And I... I can’t compete. Game over.  _

_ So, as I get up to go out and you try to stop me, to calm me down, to talk, maybe even just to try to convince me that it’s not so, I’ll bite, I let myself be blocked by you. But only because if I have to suffer like this, I want to have one last moment of joy... one last moment of us. I kiss you on the tip of your lips, which are soft, warm, perfect. I breathe your perfume as I do, and I realize that even though I would hate you right now, it’s in your embrace that I’d like to stay.  _

_ I look into those eyes, in which I already see another woman's reflection, before leaving your house, and as I walk to the car, I allow myself for the last time to say it, “I love you, Arizona.” _

  
  
  


**Maya POV**

"Arizona..." 

My eyelids refuse to open, my brain has yet to fully function, but my ears are certain that I listened correctly. And that I heard that name, your ex-girlfriend's name! 

I'm leaning on my elbows while we're still lying in bed. The light already radiates the room, but that doesn't seem to have disturbed your sleep at all. You're so beautiful when you sleep. The bewitching and frantic Dr. De Luca when she sleeps gives way to the tender and affectionate Carina. 

"Arizona, don't leave me." 

Okay... I take that back. What did I just hear? Definitely the morning didn't start well, so I decided that maybe I'd better go to the kitchen, before you can say anything else in your revealing sleep. It's not safe to piss me off before breakfast: it's easy, very easy, and bad mood is a very likely side effect when I'm on an empty stomach.

I turn to the alarm clock and realize that it is still early, so I decide to put on my gym suit and take the opportunity to do a run. I put on my headphones and play my super-workout playlist. Already after the first km I realized that I was missing this ritual to start the day: besides, in the last week I had very few opportunities to go out in the morning. Not that the alarm clock didn’t go off, but many times the morning was the only time we could be together the whole day, considering our shifts at work and excluding the afternoons or evenings spent unracking your moving boxes. It still doesn’t feel true that you moved in with me. Although I’m actually even more surprised that my control freak took it so well!

When I'm now at the fifth kilometer, I can't help but think about what I heard you say in my sleep. You haven't told me much about her, about Arizona... in fact we preferred to almost completely overlook the “ex issue”, but from what little you've told me I immediately sensed that the relationship between you two was really intense. In many ways. Should I be worried that I heard you asking her, even beg, not to leave you? Was it only a dream or do you really miss her?

You know, it’s just all this makes me think maybe you’re missing something, maybe I don’t give you enough, or maybe I haven’t given you a solid foundation yet to believe... in me, in us, in the truth of my commitment with you. I realize from the song I’m listening to that maybe I’ve extended my usual lap. In fact, I should have turned three more crossings ago. I take a look at my smartwatch: 9 km. And it’s almost 10:00, which means you’re probably already up and wondering where your girlfriend is on your day off.


	2. Scent of a woman

**Carina POV**

_ "I'm sitting here in a boring room _

_ It's just another rainy Sunday afterno.." _

I don’t know how, without even opening my eyes, I can press with my finger the stop button of the alarm on my phone. I just throw the blankets over my shoulders again. The sheets are so soft, and the scent they have... your scent. I could stay like this, huddled sniffing them for hours. But maybe there’s a better way to feel it: directly on your skin. I turn around, looking for the warmth of my super sexy girlfriend’s body, with my eyes still closed, but when my arm finds the void, I decide to open them.

The light in this room almost blinds me, so I decide to close them again. I shyly raise my left eye, almost as if I wanted to spy on the situation before sending my brain the input for his right twin to make an effort and do the same. It’s always hard for me to wake up: I know getting out of bed is a task that can take time for me, so I’ve become one of those people who set more than one alarm clock... and then forget to turn off some of them the night before a day off. My body begins to realize that another day has already begun, and I feel that the house is completely quiet.

I really wanted to wake up with you: morning sex is perhaps the only thing my body can agree to do before drinking coffee. I pick up the phone to see if you texted me where you are, but nothing. If you’d been called for an emergency at work, I’m sure you’d have written me something, so I guess you went for a run. You haven’t been doing that for a while. It’s my fault, and I understand you need a moment of your own, especially considering the big step forward of our coexistence... it must have been hard watching me take your spaces within these walls and turn them into our spaces. But I'm happy that you asked me to take this step, I really think so and I'm sure it makes you happy too. 

Sometimes I think this path is a bit like shock therapy for us. We haven't really dealt with what happened between us, the fight with your father... your betrayal with Jack. That's the one thing that still makes me sick at the thought of it. Oh, and it’s not because you had sex with another person (a man to boot), as the way you naturally and cruelly used it to hurt me.

But I would be lying if I didn’t say that the exact moment you came back to me to apologize, in my heart I was already forgiving you. I wanted you, I wanted to be with you... hell, I want to be with you! And the way you told me you loved me, I could never close the door to my heart. I’m holding your pillow, hoping to somehow feel your hug. The eyes seem to have got heavy again. And I fall asleep again... breathing in your perfume.

  
  


Your total lack of sweetness in closing the door awakens me startled. I wish my body was more responsive so I wouldn’t be lying in bed like a lazybones. I’m looking at the clock on your side of the bed, and well, at this time it’s still acceptable that I didn’t get up. After all, it’s my day off! 

“Maya?” I’m calling you, with no intention of leaving my cozy haven. 

“Hey, good morning.” 

You just sit there, answering me, your hand resting on the doorpost of the bedroom. You just went for a run, and that slight layer of sweat on your forehead, on your arms, is knocking my hormones out of the cots. You look at me and I smile at you, provoking the same reaction in you.

"What's up?" you ask me laughing. 

“Oh, nothing." 

“Okay, I'm going to take a shower, I definitely need one since I've also extended my usual way today," you say as you approach the dresser to get change. 

So, with a feline jerk, I come closer and pull you by the vest, dropping you on the bed next to me. "Oh Carina, I'm all sweaty, I suck" 

I lean over you and I look at you hard before answering: "You're beautiful!”

“And you're no less, sweet sleepyhead," you whisper to me before you kiss me, drawing me slightly to you. 

"I promise to be quick... so don't you move from here!" you tell me before you get up and go to the bathroom. I'd like to follow your orders, but I know there's one thing that might make you just as happy. Oh, other than following you into the shower.

  
  


**Maya POV**

Although my shower wasn't particularly long, I still managed to make the mirror above the washbasin almost completely mist up. I give it a wipe with the towel and, seeing my reflection on it, I notice something different. It's as if my facial muscles are suffering natural contractions that have never happened before. I'm spontaneously smiling for no apparent reason. And I was never one of those people that people remember with a smile on their face, but rather with a serious or focused expression... or pissed off sometimes (quite often in reality). But I just feel like all I need is to know you’re in the other room to make me happy.

I make myself presentable, and I finally get out of the bathroom. When I open the door, I smell coffee. And the coffee you make is simply from another planet. You made me understand that the mocha is destined to be something I can’t live without anymore. I see you there in the kitchen, waiting to hear that grumble that says it’s finally ready, and I come to you. I put my hands beside yours on the counter, on the opposite sides of the stove, and I bring my body closer to your back, before resting my lips on your shoulder, uncovered by the t-shirt you wear. Coffee starts to boil, as probably my blood because of feeling you so close, touching you. I only swerve when you move to take it off the fire and pour it.

”Il suo caffè, capitano”, you say, passing me the cup. As I drink it, I keep staring at those nutty eyes of yours. And I can’t help but think I’d spend every day getting lost in your eyes.


	3. A non-ordinary day

**Maya POV**

One of the positive aspects of our living together is definitely finding breakfast ready every morning. And I'm not talking about a simple breakfast, the kind you can prepare in 5 minutes with whatever you can find, no... yours are breakfasts that make you want to stick to the kitchen chair and never get up again. Coming from me, used to throwing some stuff in the blender and hoping something drinkable would come out, that's a huge compliment. Your French toast seems to corrupt me enough to make me ignore the phone, or at least it does until the fourth ring.

"Yes, Bishop..." 

Your gaze already frowns at me for answering this call, but you know me and you know I wouldn't have resisted. 

"Okay, tell him I'll be there in an hour at the latest" 

I hang up the phone call and in that same instant, I hear you throw the frying pan on the sink, with a gesture of clear disapproval. 

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, it's just..." you say, taking yourself back for that little outburst. You bring your hands to your temples, squinting your eyes, and looking at you I read on your face all the difficulties of this last period, how much frustration you have accumulated, without being able to find an outlet.

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize. The commander is at the station and wants to talk to me about the designation of the new battalion chief. I couldn’t say no”, I reply, as I approach and embrace you from behind. 

“I know, it’s just... it’s just we’ve had opposite shifts the last few weeks. It seems like a life we can’t spend some time together... argh, I feel so foolish to be mad about this!” 

As you say these words to me, I hear in your voice every inch of the distance between us that we still have to make go away. You moved in with me, and yet I feel like I’ve seen you even less than before, actually.

“Hey, what if I asked you to come with me?” 

“Are you serious?” 

“Yeah, I won’t be long, okay?” 

“Okay... so maybe on the way I’ll convince you to let me try out the fire pole.”

You throw your arms around my neck while you say it, glad you don’t have to be home alone waiting for me. 

“Oh, you know that’s off limits! That’s great, now I’ll have in mind for the rest of the day the image of you on that pole... God, Carina, how can you excite me with so little!”

“For anything, Commander, 19 is always at your disposal, don’t hesitate to ask. See you soon!” 

The expulsion of Dixon from upper floors finally made it possible for me to stop having to resort to a good dose of plagues every time the commander visits the station. I have to admit it was hard: the only good thing he did was to give me the job I had been trying so hard to prove I deserved for a long time.

Becoming captain for me was like winning Olympic gold... not because of the celebration, or because it was a life-long dream since I was a child, but because it was a goal I had set myself, it was achievable and every working day was just a training to get ready for the final sprint. Then... well, then things changed. You came along, and you turned my world upside down. By the way, maybe I should come and see where you are hiding.

**Carina POV**

“Well Miller, if you really want to cook pasta  _ come Dio comanda _ , this is the right cooking time.  _ Capito _ ?” 

As Dean tastes the spaghetti he had cooked, he looks at me puzzled. In fact, in his opinion, it took at least twice time for it to be ready. He seems to understand, however, that my suggestion is for good reason.

“Ah Miller, how many times must I remind you: never get caught cooking pasta in front of Carina!” As soon as I hear your voice, I turn to you, with a look that’s forcibly indignant. 

“Well, it’s not my fault you lack the basics! _ Mia madre mi ha insegnato a cucinare la pasta quando avevo 8 anni! _ ” 

You stand between me and him, and you slowly start pushing me out of the kitchen. 

“Hey, hey, your Italian part is taking control of you, Carina. Don’t worry, Miller, I’ll take her away, so you can finish cooking in peace”, reassure him, not missing the opportunity to make fun of me. I know how much you love to hear me speak Italian, especially on special private occasions.

“Are you leaving already? Why don’t you stop for lunch?” I hear his question now that we’re on the flight of stairs. 

“I’d say I have other plans for my super sexy Italian girlfriend... say hello to the others!” 

We leave the firehouse and as we get into the car, my mind is already thinking about what we can do in the afternoon. The realist me knows it’s going to be hard to convince you to do anything that involves leaving the house or even just wearing clothes, but I also know I have great persuasiveness and I’d love to be outdoors for a while. I was thinking like a walk in the park. Besides, you’re also a nature lover, it won’t be that hard to convince you.

_ Driiiiin driiiiiin driiiiin _

No...no more phones, no more interruptions...I'm already ready to tell you to ignore it when I realize it's my phone that's ringing. I look at who's calling.

"It's the hospital"... jeez! 

Okay, now your expression looks like a cartoon who makes no attempt to hide his sadness. 

“Hello, this is Dr. De Luca" 

We arrive at an intersection and as we wait for the traffic light to turn green, you wave your hand to let me know if you need to turn right to take me to the hospital. Resigned, I can only nod in agreement while Helm on the other end of the phone continues to give me a report on the patient's condition.

  
  


**Maya POV**

I stop when we get to the entrance of the hospital and you are already ready to go down, when you turn towards me and, taking my face in your hands, you kiss me. 

I’m petrified. The intensity you were able to put on my lips in such a fleeting moment is blocking me. Of course, there’s the classic dork in the car behind me ready to ruin the moment, blowing the horn and letting me know I have to get back on track. As I take off the handbrake, I take a moment to watch you again as you disappear beyond the sliding doors of the hospital.

You text me after a few hours, telling me you're done and asking me to come pick you up. I had stopped by Andy's house, not wanting to be alone. And that allows me to get to you in less time than expected. I find parking almost immediately, so I take the opportunity to go down and wait on one of the benches in front of the entrance. It has become evening, and there is a slight breeze, which dilutes the heat of the day. The colors of the sunset have almost faded by now, but you can still see some faint hues in the distance. I hate to think we could have enjoyed a wonderful day if it weren't for our jobs being so unpredictable.

"Ahhh, I hate having a job where unforeseen events are highly likely to occur!" 

You sit, or rather you let yourself fall exhausted on the bench next to me. 

"Hey how did it go?" I bid you farewell, leaving a tender kiss on your cheek. 

"Well... that is, the mother and baby are doing just fine. But it was long... a birth!" I can't hold back a half laugh at your inadvertent pun. 

"I promise to be proactive about any suggestions you want to make to me for the evening though... because I assume you have something in mind for tonight or do you?"

“You’re not wrong. I thought I’d take you out to dinner at that Italian restaurant you always talk me about.” 

Your eyes light up as you just face my head, stretched out on the bench in a position that conveys all your tiredness. 

“But they also do the home delivery service, so I thought we could take advantage of that and eat comfortably at home. Plus, we’ll save all the time you need to get ready to go out.” 

“Are you saying I’m slow?” respond, pretending offended.

“I didn’t say it”... I reply, trying to hide the fact that that’s what I was thinking. 

“Okay, this time I’ll fly over Captain Bishop. Come on, let’s go!” 

You stand up and you wave to me to take your hand, but as soon as I get up and we start walking, I hear someone calling you. 

“Hi, Carina...” 

You’re blocking, and I almost risk bumping you. I see your gaze froze, your eyes visibly incredulous. And it is not a positive wonder that I see reflected in them.

I turn to the figure who said your name. My gaze rises slowly, from those shoes, elegant with a heel just a couple of centimeters high, up, along those tight jeans that define absolutely toned legs, to then get to a simple blouse, made more attractive by the jacket, with sleeves that reach the level of the elbows. But it’s when I get to that look, that smile, that I understand. 

“Arizona...” 

And it’s a moment. The second I realize that what I’m looking at is Arizona Robbins, the woman who populated my girlfriend’s dreams. And, well, I feel screwed.


	4. Deep inside

**Maya POV**

“Ahh, how are you? You look great...” 

Is she... hugging her? She’s hugging her. I’d like to yell at her to keep your hands off my… off you. 

“Well you too… you’re looking well, Arizona” you reply, visibly perplexed by this warm greeting given the manner of your breakup and the subsequent departure of her. It’s not just perplexity, but there’s also a fair amount of... embarrassment. 

“Ehm” I fake a cough, so I can get someone to make the proper introductions. 

“Oh I’m sorry... Maya, this is Arizona Robbins… Arizona, this is Maya.”

“Nice to meet you, Maya”, she replies, with a glowing smile, but from her look it seems she has missed who I am, or rather, who I am for you. You reach out, grab my hand and twine our fingers together. I feel you holding it tightly, I don’t know if it’s to make it clear that we’re together or because seeing her is giving you a hard time. Any doubt is dispelled when you speak to her again in an unsteady voice. 

“What are you doing here, Arizona?”

The time for pleasantries and cloying gestures is over, at least for you: the pain caused by the way she treated you is coming back. 

You aren’t letting on too much, but I can tell just by looking at your profile, your gaze fixed on her, that it is so... and I realize that the one in front of you is also someone who knows you well, or at least knew you well. Her expression changes, and I can see that my thoughts were right: she understood how you feel and that you haven't forgotten the harm she did to you.

“I’m here for a consultation. I got a call from Bailey. But I don’t want to keep you any longer, I’ll let you go and enjoy the evening... see you soon! Take care of you, Carina!” 

She takes leave, evidently frozen by the climate that had been created. That last wish, however, was really made from the heart. It was impossible not to feel it. You let go my hand and start walking towards the car. I stop you after a few yards, standing in front of you.

"Hey Carina, are you okay?" I ask, as you stay with your head down, deftly fleeing from looking at me, your hair covering most of your face. You're not well. How much must she have hurt you to be able to do that just by seeing her? 

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting it... and it's been an exhausting day, I’m tired..." 

You're crying, and I really don't know what to do to make you feel better. I'm certainly not crazy about the idea that your ex still has so much effect on you, albeit negative.

"Don’t worry, let's go home." 

With one hand I caress your face, before leaving a tender kiss on your cheek. I take your hand and this time it's me who holds our twined fingers. I'm here for you, Carina. Although, maybe at this very moment I'd like to be punching Arizona in the face, and making her go back to where she came from.

**Carina POV**

We get in the car and I realize I put a little too much force into closing the door. I look out of the corner of my eye at you, to catch some expression of disappointment about it but nothing. Your face is impassive. And I'm not referring to one of those expressions of impassivity that poorly conceals a hidden annoyance. Simply serene. 

I can't figure out what's wrong with me. It was such a crazy situation… to find her in front of me after all this time… the effect this had.

I happened to think about what it might have been like to see her again, but I certainly didn’t expect that. The nonchalance with which she greeted me, the cordiality that rarely accompanies the reunion of exes, inconceivable if you think about how we left. Or rather, how she left me here, finished, empty, alone. Simply heartbroken. Perhaps it was her ease that made me most mad, or rather, that hurt me the most.

It was as if she thought that the time elapsed was enough to erase what happened... and I thought it too, but I couldn’t be more wrong! Besides, who would want to show her current girlfriend that she’s still so fragile for her ex? Not to mention Arizona was as hot as the last time I saw her, if not hotter. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about that. But, you have to admit, no matter how much a bitch, if there’s one thing Arizona’s never missed, it’s charm.

“Hey, Carina?” 

Your question awakens me from all these thoughts. You place your right hand on my leg, while your left arm is outstretched, holding the steering wheel. “Yes, yes, sorry, it’s all right” – liar! 

“You know, I understand: you didn’t expect to see her again in town, it makes sense that you feel a little confused...” 

“Well, fortunately I don’t think I have to get used to the idea. Did she say she came for a consult? Let’s hope she’ll hurry up and go back to where the fuck she came from.”

I hear myself saying these words and I realize that maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, as you're also thinking, after all. I get it by the look on your face, stunned to hear me utter such a spiteful sentence. I hate the way I'm getting overwhelmed, but Arizona was so much...and so much was the pain she gave me.

**Maya POV**

I have to admit, I'm a little worried by your reaction. Over time, as our story became more and more serious, I realized how broken you felt after your breakup with Arizona. You hid it well, so it wasn't so easy to catch, not always at least. It's certainly never been as clear as it was today... I thought, however, that the strides we're making, some important ones like moving in together, were also a sign that you had definitely put your relationship and with it your breakup behind you.

I can't help but think of the words I heard you say in your sleep only this morning. 

_ "Arizona, don't leave me..."  _

It's not jealousy, it's perhaps an even worse feeling... the doubt that maybe I’m not giving you enough.

We get home and while you go shower, I call the restaurant to order dinner. The girl I talk to, after taking note of the order, tells me that she apologizes but it will take about an hour for delivery due to so many orders received. For me, however, it's absolutely perfect, because this gives me enough time to set the mood to make this dinner a little more special, hopefully cheering you up. I set up the coffee table in the living room and spread a couple of soft fleece blankets on the floor.

You love eating sitting on the floor, so you can put yourself in your most comfortable position. I lower the lights slightly, not wanting even the shadow of a candle in my house: I intervened in too many domestic accidents caused by candles accidentally dropped or forgotten on and knowing me I couldn’t help thinking about it all the time if I lit them. Everything’s ready, so I decide to go over to the door to see if you’re still in the shower. I hear the sound of water coming out of the showerhead, so I grab the handle to see if you left the bathroom door open. Yes, bingo!

I open it gently, careful not to make a slight squeak as I enter the bathroom. I take my clothes off and, before I reveal my presence, I see the Bluetooth box that you often use to listen to music while you shower on the shelf next to the sink. It’s one of those things that gives you energy, even at the end of the longest and hardest days. I turn it on and I play a song from my phone that I’m sure you’ll enjoy before I slide the glass in the shower box and finally catch up with you.

_ "So one, two, three, take my hand and come with me _

_ Because you look so fine that I really wanna make you mine..." _

I hear you laughing when this song starts, and as soon as you turn to me and give me a hug, you notice that I'm lip-synching, with a very convinced expression. Your laughter grows, and I hold you close. Under the warm spray of water, with that smile of yours, I understand that making you happy is priceless.


	5. In the air

**Carina POV**

The thumping sound of the alarm clock awakens me from the comforting dream I was immersed in. As soon as I turn it off, another noise gives my ears a “good” morning: apparently, dear Maya Bishop, among your countless – and at times adorable – flaws, I must also add to the list that you snore. I never noticed it until now, along with a little luck and the fact that between us the early riser is definitely you.

I sneak to the kitchen after I grab some clean clothes, and I make breakfast. You didn’t get me a lot of sleep last night, so I decide the best thing to do is to put on a moka for four. Double coffee for both, you’ll appreciate it. Before I leave the house, I want to leave something ready for your breakfast, along with a note. 

\- Coffee’s in the thermos, and waffles are in the Tupperware... I’ll be back soon, good day. I love you! C.-

  
  


It was a challenge to find parking today, so to avoid being too late, I am forced to enter through the emergency room. I usually avoid it, mostly because you never know what crazy cases there might be. Oh, not because I'm afraid of finding "scary" things, but because, given my faith in infinite human stupidity, I'm afraid of running into patients that make me want to stick around and watch, forgetting what I have to do. 

As soon as I get into the E.R., I find Teddy.

"Hey Carina, so? How was your night with your fire tamer? Last night you barreled away as soon as you could. I guess you had your reasons for being in a hurry!" she asks me, laughing with a hint of naughtiness. 

"Hi Teddy...yeah, it was good. You know, despite her acting as a badass, Maya actually knows how to be romantic..." I answer her, before freezing. I can see that her attention is elsewhere right now.

“Wait... but that’s... Arizona!!!” Teddy interrupts me, as he sees her coming down the hallway, to wave to her to join us and greet her with a hug. 

“Oh Teddy, it’s good to see you again!” 

“Wow… Arizona Robbins, what are you doing here?” Teddy continues, excited to find her here, before being brought back to reality by the sound of her cell phone. 

“Oh, it’s Meredith, she needs a consultation. I have to go, but me and you, blondie, we’re not done. We need to get coffee as soon as possible.”

She says hello to me before leaving in a hurry, and it’s just me and Arizona, and honestly, I’m not gonna stand here in front of her for another second. “Have a good day”, I say sneaky, ready to get me out of this situation. 

“Actually, Carina, I wanted to ask you if we could take two minutes to talk”... she asks me, with a very tiptoe tone of voice. 

“I have patients, Arizona and... and I honestly don’t want to talk!” I respond, cold, caustic.

“Just a few minutes, that’s all I’m asking... I don’t say now, but maybe later, or in the next few days...” In the next what? No, wait... 

“What do you mean? I thought you were here for a consultation. Will you stay in town?” 

My questions are pressing: I need answers, now! I just hope your answer is that it’s only for the consultation that you need to stay here a few more days. 

“In fact, I should talk to you about that as well...” No... no, no, no, no! This can’t happen, I can’t believe it, but most of all I can’t let her see what it does to me, so I grabbed my bag and headed for the elevators.

I press the call button insistently as she approaches me again. 

“Carina, please, let’s talk. That’s all I ask.” 

“You should have talked to me a year ago, Arizona. I’m going now, I have patients waiting for me.” 

I close the conversation as the doors of this elevator do, in front of me, after selecting the floor. We look each other straight in the eye for one last moment. Those blue eyes... I almost forgot how they affected me.

  
  


I'm almost out of the hospital when Jo comes running up to me. 

“Dr. De Luca, wait!" When she reaches me, she's out of breath, but insists to start telling me about the case right away. 

“You should see... these images..." 

“Is Owen's patient? The girl who arrived this afternoon?" 

“Yes...Dr. Hunt...he thinks it's.... uhh, that it's good to induce labor, she’s getting worse, and he wanted her for this case" 

"No..." I reply firmly. It takes me a second to read what I need from the rest of the folder and realize that the best solution is another.

“The baby wouldn’t survive the birth… call Robbins!” I’m going on, firm.

“I mean now, Wilson! I’ll go see the patient. Tell her to meet me there.” 

Just what I need, the icing on the cake. At the end of the shift an emergency surgery. With her. After all, there are situations where you know what the best choice is. And Arizona has always been the best in her field.

**Maya POV**

It's getting a little late, and from the note you left me this morning, I thought you'd be done early. I check my phone again to see if you've texted me, as you usually do when there are emergencies to keep you at work. Nothing, not even a text since this morning. It must have been a day from hell.

I decide to write to Andy, see if she wants to come over for a beer, like the old days, under the porch of her father’s house: me, her and Vic, to take the piss of last rookie or those of shift B, or to gossip about our latest conquests, always watching out for Captain Herrera’s big ears.

\- Give me 15 minutes and I'll be with you. Should I bring supplies? -

\- I've got everything, just bring your ass here, Herrera! - 

I don't know if it's because of my reply, but she takes a really short time to arrive. She takes a seat while I pull two bottles out of the fridge and grab a corkscrew before joining her on the couch. She made herself comfortable, after all she knows my house well and for a while this was also her house.

"So Maya, what's going on?" she asks me, sure that something is going on. I have to admit, I'm a little offended by her question. 

“Nothing, Andy...I can't want to spend an evening with my best friend?" 

"Where's Carina?" 

Her tone becomes inquisitive, not to mention suspicious. 

"At work" 

"Oh Maya, please, don't tell me you've already screwed this up!" she tells me, as if she didn't even hear what I said.

"Hey, what do you take me for?" I reply, this time truly offended. If that's my best friend's estimation of me, I'd say I'm on a roll! 

"Let me guess... something's wrong though..." 

"I don't know what you're talking about," I reply, my elbows resting on my knees, before downing another sip of beer. 

"Oh, you know it… even the label on that poor beer figured it out!" 

I realize I've shredded that strip of damp paper, wrapped around the body of the bottle. Only a few pieces remain, along with some glue residue, and drops of condensation wetting my fingers.

“Arizona is in town”, I announce, with a dry, firm sentence. 

“Arizona... wait, that Arizona? You mean Carina’s ex girlfriend?” 

Her amazement goes hand in hand with my regret for starting a conversation I’m not sure I want to engage in. 

“But didn’t she move to New York, to stay with her daughter and her ex-wife?” she asks me, curious. “She’ll be in town for a short time, she’s here for a consultation”, I explain, half-hearted.

"Wait, but did you hear it from Carina?" 

"She actually introduced me to her last night… we ran into her when I picked her up from the hospital and we introduced ourselves." 

“Ohhh… you're not going to tell me you're jealous? Ah, Maya Bishop put in awe of an ex?" 

"It's...it's not that." 

“So do you want to tell me what's wrong or do I have to guess, Maya?" she asks, and I realize she's stopped teasing me and is ready to listen to whatever I want to tell her.

“The reaction… the reaction Carina had when she saw her was not only surprised. It seemed like it might come back… all, all her pain... as if two seconds had passed since they broke up. She still has a grudge inside of her for what Arizona did to her, and I understand. I just thought she drew a line under the past, that she was happy with me, that we were happy! Apparently we aren't for the moment, almost not at all... I should’ve known from how the day started...”

I think about that phrase in your sleep... it would have passed away like a breath of wind if we hadn’t seen her outside the hospital just a few hours later. “What happened?” 

“No, no, no big deal...” 

“Maya, come on, you can tell me... did you piss her off? Did you wake her up before dawn to go running?” 

Someday I’ll understand why Andy always thinks I’m the problem. 

“Because in her sleep I heard her calling Arizona and asking her not to leave her.”

The expression on her face changes and she lets all her surprise come out. Then, trying to scramble to defend you, she starts telling me that our brains can be tricky in our sleep, that these words mean nothing. 

“Don't worry Andy, I took that sentence for exactly what it is… it's the series of unfortunate coincidences that I don't like. Much less having seen how hot her ex girlfriend is." 

"Afraid you can’t compete, Bishop?" she asks me, provoking. She’s laughing.

“I mean, have you seen her? She would shake the certainties of even the most convinced straight... Maybe I should introduce her to you: I would get rid of a potential problem and you might broaden your horizons!” 

After this pearl of wisdom, she throws a pillow in my face, with a hit as unexpected and disruptive as a well executed slap and in a moment I regain my seriousness. 

“Jokes aside, I don’t care about Arizona or her brief appearance here. I just want Carina to be happy with me, that’s all.”

After a few seconds of silence, in which she looks at me apparently struck by the wisdom of my words, brings her bottle closer to mine, to toast. “That’s talking, Captain... to the pursuit of happiness!”


	6. Memories

**Carina POV**

“Wow, this surgery has been ...” 

“Incredibly innovative? Brilliant? Absolutely cutting-edge?” Arizona asks me, trying to interpret my thoughts. 

"...intense. And exhausting. But yes, it has been really amazing”, I reply, absolutely amazed by Arizona’s technical ability. I knew very well that she could do exceptional things... but this surgery was out of any scheme, and the confidence she had in dealing with every unforeseen event we have encountered. It’s extraordinary... the confidence she has, I mean.

Evidently, Herman was right to bet on her for her research centre. I never had the pleasure of working with her, but that woman is a legend: she was really a pioneer in her field, and to be able to complete a study programme like the one made with Arizona and pass on all her knowledge in that short time is something amazing. And if an amazing woman chose her, took her under her wing, that means she saw Arizona could be equally amazing.

"How about we go for a drink, to celebrate?" she asks me, as we finally leave the hospital. I freeze at this simple and spontaneous question. Obviously she notices it immediately. 

“Sorry, I shouldn't have… way too soon," she says trying to make up for her gaffe. I think it was an unconditional reflex, like an old habit that resurfaces. I certainly can't blame her for that.

“No, don’t worry. It’s just that it’s late and Maya is waiting for me at home.” 

And I realize I didn’t text her all day: I’m a really bad girlfriend! I take the phone, to try to remedy it, but it’s dead. 

“Ohh... so you two live together?” 

I don't quite understand the tone in which she is asking me this simple question. Is she asking me this just to make conversation, or is she upset? I really don’t understand.

So I decide to answer with genuine truth. 

"Um, yeah. Not very long, but yes, I moved into her house. We're fine... I'm fine, Arizona. Maya makes me happy." 

I feel like I could start to get it all out, to speak without restraint, also accomplice a little bit of tiredness, but this is neither the right place nor the right time to do it. 

“I'm happy for you, Carina... honestly! You deserve to be happy…”

I am impressed by her simple but heartfelt words.

“Come on, I'll leave you… I’ll see you tomorrow," she says, before turning and starting walking towards her car.

And without even realizing it I say words to her that until a few hours ago I never thought I would say, or at least not right away, not so soon. 

“Maybe we'll grab a coffee before shift one of these days" 

She pauses, before turning and smiling at me. God, I'd forgotten how beautiful her smile was... 

"I'd love to. Night, Carina!" she waved goodbye to me with her hand, before turning away.

  
  
  


Without even realizing it, I drive home. As soon as I park the car, I notice that the lights in the house are off. I look at the clock and realize I'm really late, and tomorrow your shift starts practically at dawn. 

I walk into the house, trying not to make any noise, and as soon as I cross the threshold I take off my shoes. I turn on the lights and slowly approach the door to our room: you're already asleep. I close it, to avoid waking you, and go to the kitchen.

I see you left me a note on the table. 

_ \- I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you, but I have to get up very early tomorrow. I left you something in the fridge if you’re hungry. I love you. M. -  _

As much as midnight snacks are my passion and my hunger doesn’t know timetables, I decide to go for a hot drink and then run to bed. I see there’s four empty beer bottles by the sink. This is a clear sign that Andy has stopped by... I’m glad, or at least relieved, because it means at least you weren’t alone waiting for me to come home. I warmed up some tea and then, holding the steaming cup in my hands, I look at this place, this house... our house.

The tiredness begins to be felt, so I come to our room. I open the door slowly, careful not to make the slightest noise. I start to undress, but I can’t take my eyes off you for a second. The blinds let in some reflection of the street lamp light. I see your profile, your body cuddled under the blankets, looking for every ounce of heat they can give it, and I can see your face. Not completely, just barely, but that’s enough. Your hand is slightly extended towards my still empty side of the bed. Even in your sleep you seem to be looking for me.

I put my phone on the charger to set the alarm, and as soon as it turns on, I get a message. You must have texted me when you didn’t see me coming back at the end of my shift, and you did. But while I’m reading your text, I receive another message, from Arizona. 

_ \- It’s been nice to be operating together again. And for that coffee, I start at 10:30 tomorrow, and if I’m not mistaken, so are you. So if you want, can we meet one hour before at the bar in front of the hospital? Night. - _

I turn to you right after I read it. I need answers from Arizona, answers that will allow me to put everything that was behind me so I can focus on what is now. You... us.

_ \- Perfect. I'll be there. See you tomorrow - _

I answer her, before slipping under the covers. Your sleep seems unperturbed, and your face is just inches away from mine. I caress it, hoping this won't wake you up. The temptation was too strong. You move in your sleep, and your arm wraps around me. You're not awake, but you still feel I’m here now. 

I know this sounds crazy, but I often stop and watch you sleep. It reminds me of who you are, beyond the tough, unyielding, cocky (not to mention braggart sometimes), stubborn and confident Captain Maya Bishop.

You’re so much more than this. You’re tender, romantic, loyal, and fragile, Maya. You’re a perfectly imperfect combination of aspects that I’m learning to know, and to love. More and more. And I feel so lucky, even though you’ve put me through a lot and hurt me so bad in the past. I leave you a tender kiss on the lips, almost forgetting you’re asleep, and that doing so I might wake you up. And I stay like this, with my hands on your face and my lips just a breath away from yours. I’d want more, and I think my body couldn’t resist kissing you again, when I hear your arm hugging me.

"Good morning... or should I say good night?" 

You always find a way to make me laugh, that's another reason why I love you. 

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you," I say guiltily. 

"You can wake me up in this way any time you want, Carina. Don't apologize," you reply, before kissing me again. And again. And again. You slip your arm under the covers so you can hold me even closer to you. Your kisses, the contact with your body, the way you hold me... I wonder how it's possible that until a second ago you were asleep and now you're so... awake.

You start kissing my neck and in an instant your body is lying on top of mine. My hands caress your arms, I feel your muscles contract as my fingers pass through them. Every movement you make is slow but the way I feel you is strong, forceful. Your mouth starts to descend, leaving a trail of kisses on every inch of skin it finds, that it wants to love. I recognize these gestures, this attitude... and in my mind some of the most beautiful moments we spent together come back like snapshots, until unexpectedly there are other images that I see again in my head.

Like a slow-playing video, my mind shows me now different protagonists, me and Arizona. I dispel those memories with anger: I don’t want to see them, least of all now. Now I’m here with you, I love you, and the way I want you is pure, authentic, just like we love each other. My fingers squeeze the sheets when your mouth reaches my most sensitive point. 

“Oh, bella”... I sigh. You love it when I call you that. My moans grow, as do your breath on my bare skin. And in an instant the desire rises, until it becomes uncontrollable. I can feel your fingers going inside me as your mouth rises, until your face reaches mine.

I kiss you and feel my taste on your lips. I look at your eyes, so beautiful, deep, crazy in love for me. And you love me... completely. 

“I love you, Maya," I whisper, right after I climax. 

"I love you too, Carina," you reply, before placing your lips on mine again. You move, to get back on your side of the bed, but I still hold you close. I need you to stay in my arms, so you settle down beside me, your head resting on my chest. 

I caress your hair and in a few moments you are asleep again. I don’t want to wonder why that memory of me and Arizona came back to my mind, I just want to enjoy the beauty of us. I just hope her stay will be over very soon.


	7. Shake it out

**Carina POV**

You left home early this morning, as I thought. I was hoping to awake hearing you get up so I could say hello, wish you a good day, and see your smile, your eyes. I turn off the alarm, and I realize you’ve sent me a text: 

_\- You look so beautiful when you sleep. Have a nice day, I love you. -_

Maya Bishop, you’re amazing! 

_\- I wanted you to know that you can wake me up whenever you want... if you do it like I did to you tonight;-) be careful, see you later .-_

I send the text and get up, before the bed calls me to it, and I could risk being late.

\- _Already awake? I thought you had another hour before you had to get up. Anyway, okay, I’ll make a note. But know you may find yourself sleeping very little, Doctor!_ -

You know my schedule, and you know I hardly get up early to go to work. I’d like to tell you why I’m already up, but I’m not sure it’s okay to do it by text and while you’re on a shift, so I decide not to answer. I know if I did, I’d lie to you. I’ll put on some music before I get in the shower. The random mode decides to immediately propose to me a song that can only make me think of last night.

_Birds flying high_

_You know how I feel_

_Sun in the sky_

_You know how I feel_

I feel good... you make me feel good. I feel the warm water running over my body, and I can almost feel your hands on me again, touching me, intoxicating me, making me feel yours... totally, completely, irretrievably yours. 

My mind goes back to when I told you I wasn't in the habit of fixing broken people, but now it's like I feel like I have cracks. And I'm really hoping that talking to Arizona will help me fix them before I fall apart.

  
  


I arrive a few minutes early to our meeting place, which is definitely not for a pathological latecomer like me. I see her from behind, sitting on a table just inside the coffee bar. I couldn't help but recognize her right away. I see a waitress approaching her, to take her order I guess, Arizona turns slightly towards her and for a moment I freeze to look at her, through the glass window of the diner. It shouldn't have that effect on me, at least I think it. 

I take a breath, before walking in and as soon as the bell attached to the door rings, she turns around... and smiles at me.

Carina, take it easy. 

I sit down and say hello. How is it possible that my heart is already racing? The waitress comes back and asks what we want her to bring us. She orders a coffee, but I've skipped breakfast so in addition to a heavy dose of caffeine, I also ask for something to put under my teeth. Everyone at work tells me about the donuts they have here, so I opt for one of those. 

"I was afraid you weren't coming..." she tells me, lowering her gaze slightly. I can understand why she thought that: in fact, I was surprised too when I proposed to see her, but maybe I didn't think it would be so soon.

“Why shouldn’t I?” I answer fake, in a very unmasked way. 

“So... what did you want to talk to me about?” I keep trying to figure out why we’re here. I’m really looking forward to it, or maybe I hope whatever you say makes me feel better. 

“I’m moving back to Seattle”, she replies, lapidary. At the very moment she says these words, the maid arrives and leaves our order on the table. That gives me a few seconds to think... think, Carina, formulate a thought, a sentence, a fucking reaction!

Those words are enough to make me feel like a train has just passed over my stomach, and the feeling of hunger I had disappear in half a second. She understands, however, that I wouldn't be able to formulate a sentence right now, so she decides to go ahead and spit it all out. 

"I asked Bailey to get my job back and she said yes" 

I mean... not only is she coming back to town but we have to work together again? I'm screwed. She gives me a few seconds, hoping I'll be convinced to say something.

“Carina, talk to me, say something please”, she asks me, hesitating. She understood that the news obviously did not leave me indifferent. 

“I don’t know what to say, Arizona... and New York? What about Sofia?” I’m asking. But there’s one last question coming out of my mouth, and I don’t know why I’m asking it. 

"...and Callie?” 

Her gaze fades, but it is these last words of mine that give her the final blow. 

“With Callie... it didn’t work. We tried for Sofia, but we weren’t happy. We were for a while, but then things started to not work out again and then things got worse and worse. I agreed with Hermann that if I convinced Miranda to give me back my work at Grey Sloan, I would continue to collaborate with her foundation occasionally, going to New York only for non-transferable operations in Seattle... and trying to get a grant for her project from Catherine Fox.” “Well, I’d say you’ve made a good plan... I’m glad it was just supposed to be for a consult”, I say, disappointed. I don’t really know if I’m more pissed off that you’re officially back or bitter because...

“You broke up with Callie”, I tell her. 

“Yes” she replies, perhaps thinking there’s some interest behind my words. She couldn’t be more wrong. Actually, what I meant was something else, and I want the message to come out loud and clear. 

“Well, apparently it’s your thing to leave people”, I say, before I grab my bag and get up, ready to leave. 

“Carina, please”, she whispered to me, grabbing my arm. That touch blocks me, not just physically. I sit back, trying to calm down.

“I wanted you to hear it from me that I was going back to Grey Sloan, but that’s not all I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to apologize...” 

I look her in the eye and I know her words are sincere. Her eyes don’t know how to lie, neither do her. You can see it in her face when she does. That night, too, when she left me, telling me she was going to New York, saying that it was to make Sofia happy again. But then she also said she loved me, so maybe I’m wrong about her. She takes courage, probably sensing my trust in his words.

"I know I should have told you these words a long time ago. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for making you suffer, for telling you that you didn't understand, while you were just trying to fight for us, for our story... I'm sorry for giving you the idea that it was easy to leave you behind, like you weren't important to me. It wasn't like that...you were important to me, our story was… but the good of my daughter came first. And I really thought that was the best for her. I was so wrong. I knew when I heard her crying in her room, while Callie and I were arguing. That night I realized that I couldn’t be happy there and that Sofia would suffer more seeing us like this, rather than spending alternate periods with each of her moms.” 

Anger seems to sigh, watching her eyes shine. 

“I don’t know what to say, Arizona, you tell me you’re sorry, and what do you think I should say? Do you think it has been easy? Do you think I had moved on like that,from one day to the next? You destroyed me that night. And I know I should have understood why you were doing this for Sofia, but it wasn’t easy. I was in love with you, Arizona! As much as I'm a prudish person when it comes to talking, that doesn't make me an easy girl, much less someone who lives relationships lightly. I didn't, and you knew that, you knew how important you were to me." 

I get it all out, unfiltered… part of me has been waiting almost a year for this moment. The other part of me lies. She lowers her gaze, obviously mortified by my words, but that's not enough to stop me. 

"It was hard to put the pieces back together, to put back together...me. You've left a furrow of pain that hasn't quite healed. Then, luckily, I met Maya..."

Yeah, and then I met you, Maya. I still remember seeing you walk into the E.R. with a nose in a plastic bag. I don’t know what struck me about you, but when I saw you leave I thought I’d never see you again. Such a shame, I thought. And then I saw you at Joe’s. And that’s when I realized I’d be a fool to throw away the chance to know you. 

“It wasn’t easy with her at first. She was a broken person, and as far as I’m aware, so was I. When she told me she betrayed me...”

I start this sentence and freeze for a second. I wonder why I'm telling her this… then I realize that if I'm really here, it's not for Arizona...but so I can move on, move on and live my relationship with you to the fullest. I catch my breath before I continue. 

"When she told me she cheated on me, that pain came back. I even thought about going back to Italy, but I wouldn't leave my brother. I was devastated, feeling that I didn't deserve anything, that I didn't deserve anyone's love. Because for the second time in a short time, someone had broken my heart. And I felt like I could physically feel it crumbling inside my chest."

“Carina, I had no idea...” she says, looking at me, misty-eyed. She caress my arm. 

“How could you... you left without looking back. The days before you leave, not a word, not a message. Nothing. That’s what I was worth to you... nothing.” “That’s not true... I was afraid to make things harder. If I turned around, if I talked to you... I wanted to turn around, to see how you were, comfort you, make you feel... less broken. But if I had, I would have just made it harder and you know that”, she replies. I know she’s right. I hate she’s right.

“Maybe... but who knows? All I know is that’s what Maya did. She retraced her steps, begged me to forgive her. Actually, Teddy helped her with that, too.” 

“Teddy? Teddy Altman?” she asks for surprise. “Yes, but that’s another story…” I reply, laughing through tears. 

“What I’m trying to say is... if you want to apologize to me, to let me know that you’re really sorry, you have to at least know the whole story, know what I went through when you left me, feel what you couldn’t see with your own eyes”, I tell her.

And I finally feel more free. 

"You're right...you're absolutely right. Thank you for telling me all about it. And really, I'm sorry for what you went through because of me. You're an amazing person, Carina... and you deserve to be loved. And Maya loves you, I knew it right away the evening I met her. I'm only sorry I threw away our chance..." These words strike me, they are sincere. "Arizona, life goeson. We fall and we get up in life, and I have fallen many times, but I have gotten back up just as many times, relying on myself, on my strength. I just want to put the past behind me. _Il passato è passato!_ ”

I'm smiling. I can do that now. 

“Damn, it's getting late, maybe we should go. But I want to tell you something: _sarà un piacere lavorare di nuovo con te!_ " 

"You do remember that I don't speak Italian, don't you?" she asks me puzzled. 

"Oh, of course I remember, Arizona!" I answer, winking at her. We burst out laughing as we leave the bill money on the table and go to the exit. I didn't think I could laugh with this woman again. Now, however, everything seems possible, without this weight on my heart.


	8. Unexpected

**Maya POV**

It’s more than half the shift before I can find the time to stop and look at the phone. No text... it’s not like you, but maybe your morning was as hectic as mine. I can finally do my workout, and that lifts me up. When I’m done, it’s almost time to go home, which means it won’t be long before I see you.

I've always loved my job, but the combination of our jobs isn't exactly ideal for a relationship. It kind of weighs on me that most of the time we spend together is in bed. And I don't mean time spent doing healthy bedtime exercise, no… we spend it sleeping. 

\-  _ It's been a hell of a morning, but finally I can train. How are you? _ -

I'm writing to you as I get on the exercise bike and start pedaling like I'm on a mountain stage of the Tour de France. Just as I'm about to stick my earbuds in my ears, Vic walks in, sets her stuff down by the bench and loads a few weight plates onto the barbell.

The guys of shift B must have used it, because we don’t use so light weight if not for warm-up... maybe if we take two minutes to sit on the bench to spend time waiting for a call, dressed in uniform. And you know, uniforms don’t have to be stitched. 

“Hey, you had the same idea as me, apparently”... she asks me. 

“Yeah... I couldn’t stand listening to Gibson complain about not knowing whether to make a move on Inara or not”, I replied. I realize I still have enough breath left, so I decide to speed up the pace a little more.

"Well, sure, I get it... I mean, after what happened between you and Jack..." she comments. I love Vic, seriously, but I don't think there's a more talkative person in the station. And her statement couldn't be more wrong! 

“That's not what I meant," I reply annoyed. I get off the exercise bike, it's time to exercise my arms. God, I love that you're crazy about my muscular arms... and if I want them to continue to have that effect on you, I need to train them properly. I grab a pair of dumbbells and sit on the free bench.

"Oh yeah that's right, sorry...how's it going with you and the sexy Italian doc? I saw her this morning...' Well curious, by now my colleagues seem to see you more than I do. I'd have to pick up a few extra ambulance shifts. It often happens that we have to stop at the hospital after transporting a patient. Wait. Vic wasn't on ambulance duty this morning. "Did you see her? Where?" I ask her.

"Yes, after I went to pick up the car from the mechanic, I picked up breakfast for the team and stopped at the café in front of the hospital. Travis talked my ear off about their donuts! I don’t think Carina saw me, she was sitting with a chick, she seemed very caught up in the conversation” she tells me. 

Wait... what? 

“Who? Who was she with?” I urge her with my question. I try to focus on the weights instead of thinking about you, or I’m thinking about you, but I hope to God Vic doesn’t tell me it was about... 

“A blonde...” 

It could be Teddy. 

“Hair a little shaky... I can’t tell you who she was, I don’t know her. Hey, you’re not telling me you’re jealous, are you?”

Her tone becomes mischievous, defiant, and right now that's the last thing I need. I try to stay calm. The old Maya would have kicked the punching bag's ass by now, but the new me, the 2.0 version of Maya, really hopes with all her heart that it was Teddy, and even if it wasn't, I trust you. 

Alarm sounds, call comes in.

**_“EMT 19, LADDER 19 - RESCUE CALL TO 802 BARRETT STREET”_ **

Vic rushed out of the gym in no time, and I felt like the end of class bell just rang. I’ve decided that just in case, maybe I’d better go take a shower and get me ready to intervene. You learn early when you enter the fire department that the only shower you can enjoy is the one you take at home or the one after the end of your shift. 

I change and hole up inside my office. I wish I was behind on paperwork, but I’m a perfectionist, and I’m also a little control freak, so no piles of run sheets on my desk.

I read through the reports of this morning's calls, and a little later I hear the vehicles come back in. "How did the intervention go, team?" I ask Travis, visibly amused by something that must have happened while they were out. 

"Oh Captain, you should have been there! A guy went to see his girlfriend and when her father came back, he thought he'd go out the window and… sorry it makes me laugh too much," and burst into thunderous laughter. 

"He hid in the tree just outside the window and then… ahahahah… he couldn't get down anymore," Vic continued.

"Can you believe it? There he was, with his pants in his hand, terrified like a poor kitten ahahahah! Best end-of-shift call we could have had," Travis commented. 

I instinctively look at my watch... the shift is over. It's back home... but I'm not sure I'm looking forward to it as much as I was a few hours ago.

  
  


As soon as I get home, I feel tiredness sweeping me like a wave. I leave my bag with my stuff on the floor and decide to relax on the couch for a couple of minutes, enjoying the peace that reigns in this house, before starting to prepare dinner. I’m lying here, staring at the ceiling, wondering if that woman you had breakfast with this morning was Arizona. I’ve got this idea stuck in my head. It’s not just an idea, I’d call it a feeling. For God’s sake, there’s nothing wrong with it, and I know I have to keep my jealousy in check, but I just can’t do it right now.

I feel my eyes getting heavier as I try to get my body to get up and get busy, but it doesn't seem to respond. I decide to give in, and in a moment I fall asleep.

  
  


**Carina POV**

I open the front door and hear a strange silence. I see your sack in the lobby and I realize you're back, you're here somewhere. Suddenly I hear some light noises from the living room, so I walk over and see that you're lying on the couch, asleep. I understand it must have been a hard shift, as I rarely get to see you take a nap. I rest my hands on the backrest and reach out to you, leaving a light kiss on your forehead, before heading to the kitchen and starting to prepare dinner.

The smell of pizza in the oven invades the kitchen, announcing that it's almost ready, while you're still lying there, sound asleep. I turn off the oven and leave it there for a few more minutes so I can come and wake you up. I bend over my knees, sitting down on the carpet, right in front of you. With my hand I slightly move a lock of hair that covers your face. With my fingertips I gently trace your profile… your cheek, your chin, your cheekbones, your lips, everything about you is so perfect.

An uncontrollable instinct urges me to place my lips on yours… just for a moment, or so I thought. I can't tear myself away from you anymore. My light kisses follow one another, until they become more intense each time I touch your lips. Your body moves slowly, but it's when I hear you finally kiss me back that I realize you're waking up. 

“Hey sleepyhead, dinner's almost ready," I whisper to you. 

"But... how? When did you get here? I closed my eyes for a moment..." you reply. 

“Let's make it a full hour," I object, teasing. 

"Okay, okay, I'm getting up!" you reply, before stretching and joining me at the table. Your eyes are still sleepy, but when you see what I have prepared for you, which is your favorite food, a smile immediately appears on your face.

"So? How did it come out, good?" I ask you. His response is an eloquent bellow of approval. I laugh satisfied, knowing how much my cooking skills are always and however appreciated by you. In this case, though, the result surprised even me.

  
Dinner goes smoothly, you tell me about your day and I’ll do the same with mine. I realize I deliberately avoid even mentioning breakfast with Arizona. I know I shouldn’t, because there’s no reason to keep this from you, but I’m already worried about having to tell you she’s staying in town.

Until suddenly a strange silence descends upon us. And I realize that maybe if I don't tell you now, I'll just put it off until who knows when. And you should know that.

"Maya... there's something I need to tell you..." I begin. Your face gets curious as you take a sip of beer. 

"Arizona comes back to live in Seattle..."


	9. Fragile

**Carina POV**

"Arizona comes back to live in Seattle. Permanently, I mean... I found out today. I wanted you to know." 

You don't seem particularly surprised. 

"Ah" is all I get for an answer. I don't have much more to add to what I said. So, to fill this silence, I drink some beer too. It gets a little easier now that you know. Not that the news reflects in any way on our relationship, but it was wrong to hide it from you and what's more I dread to imagine what reaction you would have had to learning the news from someone else who knows when.

"When did you find out? Did she tell you that?" answer, in a tone that sounds almost edgy. 

“Yes, she told me about it this morning, as soon as we saw each other..." 

“Do you mean when you saw each other at breakfast?" you reply. I wasn't wrong, there was actually something strange in your voice. You down another swig of beer as you finish your sentence. How did you find out? I mean, I would have told you... or at least I want to believe I did.

"How do you know we went out to breakfast together?" I ask you. Your face is puzzled by my question. In fact, I could have worded it better... it's just that this thing caught me off guard slightly. "Really?! All you can tell me is how I found out, Carina?" you reply, visibly annoyed. You snap out of your chair, clapping your hands on the table. I stiffen at this gesture of yours: I know I'm in the wrong, but that doesn't justify such an impetuous reaction. You turn around, your back to me, and seeing you lower your head I can tell you've already regretted your reaction. I hear your breathing get deeper, you try to regain your composure, control of you.

“She… she asked me to find a moment to talk…“ it’s the only thing I can say. 

"...and?” 

“And... we met for coffee. That’s all”... I answer you. Flip your face lightly and I feel you believe my words. But you don’t look at me, you don’t say a word, which makes my blood cold. 

“Maya, please... say something”, I beg you. I need to know what you’re thinking, what’s going on in your head, what’s going on in your heart right now.

"Okay..." you sentence. A simple word which in your opinion seems to be a sufficient answer to my request. But I need something more. Now I need you. And anything else you want to throw at me. "Okay what?" I get up too and walk towards you, slowly. I walk around the table until I get within three feet of you. 

"If you tell me that's all, that's enough for me," you say. You still can't turn your gaze towards me though, so I take your hand between mine. You turn to me, your eyes glazing over.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away... I should have, I was wrong..." I say, not taking my eyes off you for a second. 

“No, no, Carina, please… please, don't apologize. I'm the one who overreacted, it's just..." 

You freeze, hesitate. I understand, though, that what you're trying so hard to get out is important, and you want to make sure the words you say are the right ones. I move even closer to you and take your face in my hands gently. 

"Maya, you know you can tell me anything," I say, for reassurance. 

"Grrrr... it's so hard..."

It’s almost like you’re fighting with yourself, I can see it on your face. On your face I find signs of this difficulty, which becomes almost physical, to bring out your emotions, what you’re feeling. At last your eyes cross mine, and I see a reflection of a fragility that you know how to hide from everyone but not from me. And that’s probably one of the things that made me fall in love with you. You think you won me over with your disdainful act that night at Joe’s. But it was the first time I saw you in all your fragility that I realized how special you are.

“I’m afraid you might choose her”... you say, finally opening up to me. And this sentence is like a blade slowly penetrating my side. Yours isn’t just jealousy. It’s not about that. It’s fear of losing me. 

“Don’t... don’t even say that as a joke. I’m in love with you, Maya!” 

My words don’t seem to be enough, though. I understand you need more, more than this, but I feel like I don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle yet.

“ _ Arizona... Arizona, don’t leave me _ ”, you whisper as you lower your eyes. And right now I really don’t understand what you’re saying, or what are you playing at... whether what you’re doing is a grotesque caricature of who you think I am with her or you just want to remind me how I felt when I said those words, when I felt my heart breaking. I know you, though, and I know that if your purpose was only to hurt me, your contemptuous gaze would have been on me. You want to see me feel bad at every word you say, or rather, that’s what the old Maya would have done. But you’re not that person anymore, at least I think. And hope.

"Maya, talk to me… let's talk about this! I... I still don't understand…” 

My words are increasingly uncertain. 

“You said that in your sleep the other night," I hear those words and my response comes instinctively. "Maya, I'm not sure exactly what tricks my subconscious may have played on me in my sleep, but I think it's understandable that seeing her again may have messed me up a little," I reply, firm but without aggression in my voice. 

"I didn't mean that night... but the night before we met her..." 

This I have to admit is a little unsettling. I don't really know what to say to that, but in this, thankfully, you come through for me.

  
  


**Maya POV**

I can’t believe I actually brought that phrase up. You’re gonna think I’m an idiot for giving weight to words I said in my sleep, and I’m the first one to think that. 

“I’m not saying that words are important, but I’ve been keeping it inside for days. In my brain, in my heart, every moment when we were together. And this weird coincidence... it’s like somehow a part of you already feels like she was coming back.” 

I realized that if I want to get better, if I really want to give our relationship a chance, I have to learn not to keep my emotions hidden, otherwise I will end up hurting you, sooner or later.

"When we saw her, I was honestly blown away. I'd found a picture of you, inside your boxes when you moved in, but I didn't think she could be like that... when we introduced ourselves I had a feeling I couldn't hold a candle to a woman like her... and it only took me 30 seconds to realize it." 

There you have it, the insecure, fragile, weak Maya coming totally out of the closet. Until not long ago I would have been ashamed of it, I would have looked at myself as a pathetic stranger.

Then I started therapy, and you were there for me every step of the way, with a strength and a love that maybe I never fully deserved, but I’m working on it, we’re working on it. 

“Maya... don’t say that, please. Look at me, look at me... eyes on me!” 

Eyes on me. Over time, it’s become a kind of magic formula for hard times, when feelings and thoughts start to disturb me. You know, with those simple words I always come back to you. Your eyes are so intense, it almost takes my breath away, it makes me feel at home. You are my home, and I don’t want to lose you.

“Maya, listen to me. The story with Arizona was important, I can’t deny it. And she has charisma, she knows how to charm anyone in front of her. But the way she left me, without even turning back, I can’t forget, much less erase. Honestly, I don’t even think about doing that!” 

You’re right, that woman has charisma to sell. But I wonder if without having heard those words, the night before we met her, I would have felt just as much awe.

"When things got tough she gave up. She took the easy way out. Instead, you fought for us, for our clove. You had hurt me, humiliated me, and I had built a wall between us, to defend myself... but you didn't give up, you didn't quit. You fought for a chance to right your wrong, we faced difficulties together and rebuilt our relationship from scratch. Together... that's the point, Maya! We did it together."

Looks like I got one thing right after all. I realized I had to come back to you. And I will always come back to you. 

" _ Baciami, bambina.. _ ." you ask. I place my lips on yours, for a kiss that wants to give you all of myself, my insecurities, my frailties, and asks only one thing in return... that you continue to love me for who I am. 

"I'm not going anywhere, Maya," you whisper, as if to make a point. Deep down I need it and you know that.

Your lips touch mine repeatedly, while your body pushes against mine, making me backwards, until my back is against the wall. Your kisses are getting greedy, your hands on my face lure it even closer to yours if possible. My hands go from your hips up along your back, while I hold you to me, feeling every shape of you against my body. You interrupt our kissing, and for a second it’s like I’m short of breath, like you’re my oxygen. I take the edges of your shirt, I lift it up until you take it off, and as soon as you get rid of it, your lips slip again on mine, even more hungry, even more passionate.

You’re driving me crazy, but the moment you bring your mouth closer to my ear, I know I’m totally at your mercy. 

“ _ Fammi tua, Maya _ ...”, you whisper, and your warm breath radiates shivers of pleasure. 

My perplexed face makes you understand I don’t have any idea of what you said. So you decide to make me completely lose my mind.

“Make me yours”

Three words, which seem to be enough to tilt my brain for a few seconds. I lift you up, your legs around my waist, while with you in my arms I walk towards our room. When we get to our room, I’ll put you down on the bed and watch you lie down comfortably.

I quickly slip off my shirt, which I roll up before tossing on the floor. Without taking my eyes off you for even a second, I pull down my sweatpants, before dropping them and slipping them off with a quick shuffle of my feet. You bite your lip, before kneeling on the bed and coming towards me. With a feline gesture, you pass your hand down the back of my neck and kiss me while you drag me onto the bed with you, eager to make me yours.


	10. Completely yours

**Carina POV**

You lie on top of me and you start kissing my neck. My hand goes through your hair, drawing you even more to me. I love the fact that you keep them short, I can’t explain why, but I find them so exciting. My body moves beneath you, the contact between our shapes accelerates the beating of my heart while my breath immediately becomes shorter. I realize I can’t feel you completely, and right now I hate with all my heart that we aren’t both already completely undressed.

My mind is focused on that detail… I think we’ll have to fix it as soon as possible. You seem to read my mind when, with a clever move, you unhook my bra and take it off me. Your eager hands rush on my breasts, giving me shivers of pleasure, making me moan already. Your mouth goes down on me, but I won’t stand for it, not this time. You’re skilled at calling the shots, Captain, but tonight I want to be the one to do it... to make you mine.

With a quick and skillful move I overturn our positions, your face fills with a pleasantly surprised and excited smile. My hands slip right between you and the mattress, while I don’t stop kissing you for a second, and I find your bra hook, finally removing this obstacle between us. I’m so eager that I throw it off, maybe with a little too much force as I hear it bouncing against the wall before falling to the ground.

You heard this noise too, and when you turn around and see it on the floor, realizing what had happened, you burst out laughing. I can't help but do the same. 

"Don't make fun of me," I whisper, a little embarrassed by the vehemence of my gesture. "Ahahah I'm not... it's just that you're so damn sexy in everything you do, Carina... I..." 

For a moment you freeze, stay like that with that serene, sincere smile of yours, and look at me that way, that very special way that I think I couldn’t live without. Then your expression becomes slightly more serious, but no less serene. 

"I love you, Carina" 

You say these words to me, with such calmness, not a single shadow of uncertainty, and a happiness in your eyes that I don't think I've ever seen... it's a perfect combination. You don't say  _ I love you _ very often, much less in this way, as a totally stand-alone sentence, and I know how saying it for you every time has exactly the same important weight and meaning.

I answer you with a kiss, not because I’m afraid to say those same words, but because you might think mine is a due response, a sort of conditioned reflex. Instead, by placing my lips on yours, I’m sure I can get straight to your heart the message that I have the same important feeling for you. Exactly the same way, exactly the same intensity.

It doesn’t take long, though, before the desire comes back on again, if it had ever been ashore, and the passion starts to flare up like a fire between our bodies, which seem to be highly combustible now. Your strong hands slip down my hips, until you reach the elastic of my underwear, and your fingers start to slide the fabric down, very slowly, almost as if you wanted to go unnoticed. I lie next to you long enough to take them off, and you do the same with what’s left of your underwear. I hold the sheets at the foot of the bed, which as often happens we have left all day unmade.

Actually you’re really meticulous with your housekeeping, but you're getting a habit of not making the bed from me. It makes me a little proud to have passed on this little innocent bad habit to you. I slide the blanket up, along our bodies, as if to wrap us in an embrace, warm and intimate, before I go back to lying on top of you. I feel you now, feel every inch of your skin, your body so in contact with mine, and I feel complete, as if I don't need anything else in the world but... you.

There is no feeling in the world that overwhelms me more than this one: being here, making love to you, being loved completely. Because that's the way you love me, completely. I hold you close to me... my hands explore every inch of your skin, so soft, so warm, caressing it, conquering it. I feel every movement of your body, I go along with it, I let myself get intoxicated. When my hand touches your most sensitive point, you arch your back as the back of your head sinks deeper into the pillow.

My gaze watches you carefully, I see you close your eyes, let yourself go totally: I think I have never seen something so wonderful. Hearing you sigh like this drives me crazy, and knowing that I'm the one bringing you this pleasure pushes me to give myself to you even more. Your hand comes down, desperately trying to relieve my desire for you, and as it reaches my center I feel my heart almost spurt out of my chest. The cadences of our thrusts become one and so do our crazed hearts beginning to beat to the same insane rhythm.

And the sensations become more intense, everything seems more vivid, my senses seem to transmit to my brain previously neglected, secondary perceptions. My free hand grips the pillow tightly, sinking my fingers not far from your head, and this is how I notice your eyes are looking at me intensely. I can sense your breath getting shorter, but it’s from them that I know how close you are to the climax.

I think you're about to tell me something, when your mouth opens a little wider... you can't say anything, your words are drowned out by a moan. This seems to rouse me from my thoughts, and like a wave sweeping over me I feel that I too am close...very close. I'm losing control, you're making me lose control! 

I look at you, intensely, and in my mind a single thought resonates like a phrase shouted at the top of my lungs before being rocked by echoes that continue to carry that message to the farthest corners. And when the passion reaches its peak, it all seems so perfect. A smile lights up your face and even I can't hold it back, and besides, I don't even have any reason to.

I lie down next to you, staring at the ceiling as I try to calm down my breath. I can feel your gaze on me, and I don’t know why I’m embarrassed right now. As a reflex, I pull up the sheets to cover myself before I turn my face towards you. 

“What’s the matter? Are you cold?” you ask me. I take your hand, and as I turn to the other side, I draw you to me, so I can feel your body against my back.

"No... voglio solo che mi stringi"

“Does it mean  _ hug me _ ?”

“Yeah…”

My whispered reply sounds like a sweet request, which you are happy to fulfill. You leave tender kisses on my shoulder, and with your arms you surround me, making me feel at home. So much so that I can't help but tell you. 

"Maya, ti amo… you are wonderful, incredible and… you are my home" 

"I will always be there for you, Carina..." you say tenderly and yet firmly, confidently.

"...your safe haven during storms” 

You whisper softly before falling asleep. And it chills my blood for a second to think how similar this metaphor is to one used by someone I used to know.


	11. The Wait

**Maya POV**

Something touches my forehead, waking me from my deep sleep. It's a touch of lips, your lips, but when my eyes find the strength to open, I can only see you leaving the house. And the sound of the door can only confirm this. I turn to the alarm clock and seeing the time stamped on it, I decide to try to enjoy every last minute of sleep granted to me.

I'm not someone who needs to wake up long before I need to leave the house. At least when I have to go to work. I eat breakfast quickly, it doesn't take me more than 15 minutes to shower, and since I have to wear my uniform I don't have the embarrassment of "what should I wear today"... long story short, I'm not one to waste time. And I love this way of being, these habits of mine… almost as much as I love that you make it so hard for me to keep them.

I grab the bottle with my protein shake and my bag and leave the house. I get into the car and, once the engine is turned on, from the speakers come out the very energetic notes of the last song I was listening to. I don’t know if it’s because of the deafening chaos in my head, but obviously I didn’t realize last night that I turned up the music a little too much. In the light of the new day, it makes me feel like someone’s screaming in my ears!

I really turn the volume down, and I decide that, at these decibels, this is a perfect sound to get me to work and it will definitely give me the right charge.

  
  


I'm almost to the station when the music stops to give way to the ringing of my phone. It's a special ringtone, specially made for when I get calls from you. I'm surprised you called at this hour, and I must admit I'm a little concerned. With the controls on the steering wheel I answer the call.

“Maya..." 

That's all you say, but only hearing you say my name I feel something is wrong. Your voice echoes in the cockpit, making me feel every little vibration caused by your state of mind.

"Hey Carina, are you okay? What's going on?" 

You burst into tears on the other end of the phone. Fortunately, I'm practically there, so I'm hurrying to park and be able to give my full attention to you.

"Sorry... it's just... I lost a patient. A young mother who up to one second before was fine, and then..."

They say some doctors become aloof, at least in part, throughout their careers, almost as aseptic as an operating room before surgery. 

You… well, you didn't, you never even tried. And that makes you extraordinary, but it also makes you fragile. I know that what you need right now are not catchphrases, words put one after the other in a sort of litany to cheer you up. You need me to hang on to hear your outlet, whether it's in words or through a liberating cry.

We stay like this for a few. I check the clock to make sure I’m not too late, but I think I can spare a couple of minutes for you. This is more important than being right on time for the team’s assembling. At some point I hear your crying stops and I wonder if the line cut off. 

“Carina...” I call your name to make sure it doesn't. "...sorry, I shouldn’t have called you. I’m just... I’m not used to it, thank God. Damn, I’m sorry to have bothered you. Probably you’re at work already...”

“Hey, hey, stop it! You can call me whenever you want or need, you know...” 

I look towards the station and notice that Andy has come out to the street and is looking around. Until she sees my car, and she nods at me to get my attention and let me know that I may have to end the call. On that one, I see both garage doors open. It’s got to be a big intervention. 

“Carina, I’m sorry but I have to go now. There must have been a call. But do you want me to call you when I get back?”

"Sure... I don't know if I'll be on call but I'd love for you to try anyway." 

Your voice is still marked and I'm sorry to have to cut the conversation short like this but duty calls. 

“Ti amo, Carina” 

I’m saying it in Italian for the first time. I’m terrible at learning your language, but I wanted to at least be able to say those words correctly. It was the least I could do for my gorgeous Italian girlfriend. It takes you a second to respond, which is enough for me to understand that my gesture was appreciated.

"I love you," you reply to me, before hanging up.

  
  


"How come you were late this morning? Does it have anything to do with the fact that you're strangely quiet?" Andy asks me, driving the ladder truck. 

"Carina's ex is moving back to Seattle..." 

"And you freaked out!”

I'm impressed by the supreme confidence my best friend has in me. 

"Thanks for the appreciation but no, that's not what happened" 

“Oh I know you, Maya! There are only two possible endings to a discovery like this, when you're involved: a furious argument or..." she interrupts right at the most beautiful moment.

“Or what?” I’m urging her. She turns around enough to look me in the face for a second, and then she goes back to paying all her attention to the street. 

“...no, definitely the second one, you’re right!” 

I don’t have the faintest idea what she’s rambling about, whereupon I turn my gaze full of perplexity, as if to ask her to explain herself once and for all. “Your shiners... they’re banish-thought sex shiners. And before you say anything, I’ll tell you that yes, it’s definitely in your style.”

"You're an idiot, Herrera," I tell her, laughing. 

"But am I mistaken or isn't that the whole story? You had a face as soon as you got out of the car..." she asks me. For a moment, thinking back to last night, I'd almost forgotten about your phone call just now, but in a second it all comes flooding back. 

"I was on the phone with Carina… she lost a patient this morning. It's just that you know how I am: I feel bad for her, but I have the consolation skills of a hungry grizzly," I say honestly. 

"Don't underestimate yourself, Maya," Andy responds to me in a rush.

“What do you mean?” “You know, many times the fact that you are not able to console in the most conventional way makes your way of being close to someone unique and therefore often more effective!” I wish I could have time to reflect on those words, but we have arrived at the scene of the fire. It’s time to concentrate, get down and get blaze ass kicked.

  
  


**Carina POV**

I end the call and I'd like to feel a little less gross. I need to take a breath of oxygen… I need to fill my lungs with fresh air, and not with the one that permeates the space of these all-same hallways. I walk out of the emergency room entrance and for a moment my eyes are hurt by the sunlight, totally different from the neon light. It's weird that there are beautiful days in Seattle right now, and I wish I was in the mood to enjoy it.

In a moment, however, it all comes back to me: the alarm of the machines starting to sound in the patient's room, her vitals dropping precipitously, the rush to the operating room for the caesarean section... her blood covering my gloves and most of my gown, the lifeless body of that unborn child... the beeps of the machine connected to the patient, chimes announcing that there is nothing left to do. 

All of this replays in my mind, and in a moment the fresh air of this day seems to be not enough for me. I need more, I breathe in and feel like my lungs are punctured, because it's like I can't actually fill them.

“Hey, Carina”, I hear a familiar voice coming from behind me. I quickly put my hands over my face, trying to get myself together before I turn around. 

“Hi Arizona”, I say, trying not to leak anything from my expression. Evidently unsuccessful. 

“Come with me”, she says, holding out her hand. I’m stung by her gesture. 

“Come on”, she insists, turning her face to the other side and waving her fingers, inviting me to grab her hand.

Her pace quickly picks up as we make our way down the street and around the corner. I can hardly keep up with her. Fortunately we get to the little park that is on the other side of the hospital, opposite the main entrance. She only lets go of my hand when she sits down on a bench, motioning me to sit next to her. 

"Okay, you can vent here… tell me what happened, or not, it's up to you. I'll sit here with you until it gets better."

She’s not asking me to do anything but to let go of the emotions I carry inside me. And I need it, I really need it. 

“I... lost a patient” I’d like to stop here, but it seems that now that I’ve started the words are bound to come out, whether I like it or not. 

“And before you say anything, I know, it’s part of the job. And it’s part of the job to learn to deal with those moments, but... she’s the first patient I’ve lost since I’ve been working here... the first two patients, actually.” 

“Carina, I’m sorry...” 

“I…” I say, while lonely tears wet my face.

"I waited, it seemed like the right choice. And then, when I had the caesarean it was too late." 

She comes closer and, maybe because this gesture makes me understand that I'm not alone, I decide to let go of the tension and let out a cleansing cry. 

“Unfortunately, we can't always control everything… it's probably the hardest thing to learn about this job. And you're a good doctor, Carina! This pain is what will allow you to give your next patient, and the one after that, one chance more..."

She hugs me, and I rest my forehead on her shoulder, while she caresses my back with one hand to calm me down. She swings slightly, as if she wanted to cradle me in her arms. 

“You don’t have to keep everything inside... some weights are easier to carry, if you have someone to share the effort with...” 

It’s so familiar, this embrace, this perfume... I can feel her leaning her head back to mine. We just stay like this for a few minutes, until I can feel a little relieved.

“Thank you, Arizona”, I say to her without moving even a millimeter away, without moving a bit, so my voice comes out pretty smothered. 

“Hey, you know you can always count on me... I’ll always be there for you!” 

I hold this hug with a little more force, in the hope that she will hold me a little more too. 

"...a good sailor in storms, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I will always be your sailor in storms, Carina. Despite everything, I’m always here for you!”

I close my eyes for a second, as I breathe in deeply through my nose. And that perfume of hers... my head seems to want to chase it, it smells like home. My brain doesn’t seem to recognize that it’s not home anymore.

Our faces look for each other, as long as they’re facing each other. My eyes are still closed, but I can feel every inch of her skin. 

I feel the sea receding, the water receding, uncovering the sand, and then... the impact. The wave. 

My lips are on her, and every second of that contact wipes away the foundations of my certainties, one by one.

Like a tsunami that destroys everything.


	12. In between

**Carina POV**

My eyes are still closed as my lips break that contact. I feel her hand grasp the back of my neck, asking for more, asking me not to leave them, not yet. And that's when I realize that it's not the woman I love that I just kissed, it's not Maya asking me more... and that I just fucked up colossally. I pull away, trying hard to put some distance between us, as if to push away what just happened, or rather, what I just did. I run my hand over my forehead, covering my eyes for a second, and then thread my fingers through my hair.

I can't believe I did that. I jerk up from the bench, trying to put even more distance between me and her. I walk back and forth, hoping the green leaves I see on the trees will help me calm down, taking long breaths, as if I need to catch my breath after a run. Because that kiss took my breath away... Arizona still knows how to take my breath away. 

"Arizona, I'm sorry...I don't..." I babble, bewildered by my own actions, unable to find words to express the frenzy in my heart right now. 

"Carina, please..." she replies, her eyes filled with a resigned joy.

"It shouldn't have happened, I'm sorry… I don't know what came over me, I mean it...” 

My tone becomes more and more guilty with each word, just as I realize more and more with each passing second how unforgivable my act is. 

“I think you do instead" she reply, in a confident, almost confident tone. Her gaze... I can't hold it, I can't feel it on me, feel the way it seems to burn my skin, so much it destroys me to have allowed myself to have such a fragile moment. 

“No, Arizona...please don't! It's hard enough as it is!"

A simple sentence, that is all I can say at the moment, before I turn my back and leave, without giving her the right of reply. She tries to hold me back, but I can’t... I can’t allow it. I’m not proud of that, but I just have an instinct to save myself now.

**Arizona POV**

It’s hard to describe how it feels to hear your lips again leaning on mine after so long. And to feel the taste of your kisses again... I didn’t think I’d miss you so much, but now... now I have the ultimate proof. You detach yourself, you get away from me, and your words, well, make me feel cold, emptiness, absence again. I’m here with you, and yet I’m alone again. I had you for a moment, a fleeting moment destined to remain so, according to your words.

You keep telling me you’re sorry, but I know what I heard and I recognized the Carina of when we were together, the way our faces searched for each other, the gentle pressure of your head on my shoulder, as often happened after a hard day, hugging on the bed after making love, when the tiredness was so much that we couldn’t even find the strength to put some clothes on us.

I know our lives went on, that your life is now with someone else, but how can I honestly say that I can or want to erase this kiss from my mind? I know what I felt, I know you were here with me for a second, but I also know that now your mind’s only purpose is to figure out what to do to get you out of this mess. I come to you in the hope that I can at least help you calm down, but as soon as I touch your arm you fade away, avoiding even the simplest contact between us.

“Sorry, Arizona, I have to go”, you say, leaving me here, still stunned by what happened. There was something, a small piece of our past came back to the surface at that simple touch of lips. And I can’t ignore it, any more than you can. I’ve never forgotten you. I’ve really tried, but coming back here to Seattle, to this hospital, running into you again in the hallways, being close to you, it all convinced me that I never stopped loving you.

I sit on this bench, searching my mind for as many images of this moment of us as I can. I want to fix them in my mind while I still can. And if this is even a small sign that there might still be a faint hope of getting you back... well, I'll be damned if I'm not going to do everything I can to have you back!

  
  


**Maya POV**

"Herrera, I leave you in charge. It's an hour until the end of the shift, if there are any calls you know what to do," I say, grabbing my jacket and heading for the door, under Andy's puzzled gaze. 

"Did something happen, Maya?" she asks, chasing me out of my office. I don't have time to answer, that from the entrance of the barracks comes a messenger with a bouquet of roses. 

"Hi, thank you. Just set them down here on the counter," I tell him. I pull out my wallet and sign his receipt, letting him off the hook in no time. Now there are four eyes looking intently at me.

Vic and Andy seem to want an explanation. 

“Oh, Maya, what have you done this time?” asks Vic, sitting on the other side of the counter. If I want to get there in time for you to finish your shift, I have to move, so she and Andy will have to cut the details out, at least for now. 

“Why the hell should I have done something?” 

In fact, my long line of one-night stands before I met you would prove them right. Not to mention the mistakes I made with you.

But now it’s different. Everything’s different with you. I leave the barracks and run to the car. A few minutes and I’ll be with you, I can finally be close to you, as I’ve thought all day.

I park and wait for you, standing against the car door. I just now realize I walked out of my office wearing my uniform. I was in such a hurry. I lean my neck against the cold metal of the car, enjoying this moment where all I have to do is wait... wait for you. 

You come out 15 minutes after the end of your shift, as accurate as a Swiss watch. Now I realize this is how long it takes you to get ready, get your things and get to the parking lot. And I trusted that, otherwise I would have been the late one. And I would’ve missed the chance to make you this simple surprise.

You don't see me right away, but I can read on your face the signs of the bad day you had, of the impact of the loss of your patient. 

You walk briskly to your car, so I decide to take my phone out of my pocket and call you. 

"Hey where do you think you're going?" I ask you on the phone. You reawake and turn around, finally meeting my gaze.

  
  


**Carina POV**

Like an automaton I leave the hospital: I feel absolutely helpless, empty... in short, a mess. I just want to go home. Or rather, I'm not sure. Going home means facing what I've done... it's inevitable. I have to tell you, I have to, it's just that today... today has been a bad day and I don't know where to find the strength to do it. 

Okay, in the car I'll work out a plan, find the right words to say to you.

My phone vibrates and it's yours the name I read. I answer immediately and I don't know if it's the tiredness playing tricks on me but I seem to hear your voice coming not only from the phone. Instinctively I turn around and see you there, leaning against your car, still in uniform, with a bouquet of roses. Why are you so damn romantic? The day that "hey, want to hear the latest? I kissed Arizona!"

This morning I called you, saying I lost a patient, and you made sure to be here at the end of my day, ready to make me feel loved and a little less broken as possible. 

“Wow... are these for me?” I ask you, trying to disguise my voice behind an apparent normality. You stroke my face as I hold these beautiful flowers in my arms, and I follow that touch with my face, trying to make this contact last as long as possible. I leave you a slight kiss on the wrist, almost as if to thank you for loving me so much.

And I feel my heart speeding, and my eyes swell with tears. I burst into an uncontrolled cry and you immediately embrace me, trying to comfort me, thinking you know why I’m like this. But I don’t deserve it. And that only makes the situation worse.

  
  



	13. My story

_ Flashback _

**Maya POV**

"I'm not sure it's for me...that's what I mean," I say, moving my hands to indicate the space in front of me. I've never been one to talk about myself, my feelings and how I feel. 

If not with Andy. 

After a couple of beers. 

Or more than a couple. 

Never sober anyway. 

But hey, I'm deeply convinced about this choice… just wish I'd had a drink first to loosen up a bit. 

“Why did you decide to come to therapy, Maya? Can I call you Maya?"

I see this figure in front of me, and I know that if I want this to make sense, to make me feel better, I have to open up. 

“Certainly, no problem.” I take a deep breath, trying to take time and, why not, also a little courage. 

“I had a wonderful relationship, but I fucked it up. I always fuck everything up!” 

Jane, the therapist, looks at me, absolutely not willing to say a word, on the contrary. Her gaze makes me understand that it is time to tell a few more details.

“I cheated on the woman I love with my ex... or rather with a colleague I used to have sex with every once in a while.” 

Her expression doesn’t change, she doesn’t move a facial muscle. 

“And I threw it in her face. After she waited for me at home for hours, worried about me, I threw it in her face.” 

I’m not proud of it. That’s one of the reasons I came here. Silence goes down for a few seconds, which feels like minutes.

"You said 'the woman I love'. Not 'the person I was with' or 'the woman I loved'. Why?" 

This question is like a tackle. I'm ready to respond, but I think maybe it would be best to take a moment. 

A day hasn’t gone by without me thinking of you since it ended between us. I thank my lucky stars when a call comes in for a difficult job at work, because at least I know that for a few hours my mind will be on something else.

“Simply because I haven’t stopped loving her. A person like her isn’t easily forgotten. And I know that if we’re not together anymore, it’s all my fault... she... she was right.” 

I regret these last involuntary words because I already know what the next question will be. 

“About what, Maya? What was she right about… Carina, right?” 

Just hearing her say your name shakes me. All the way through the bones, into the veins, and it looks like a punch to the heart. 

“My father abused me”

I almost don't even blink as I say it. 

“Not physically... but psychologically. He was not an easy man, much less a loving father. I realized that not long ago." 

I think back to the outbursts, when I didn't live up to his expectations, having to be on my toes all the time, to not upset him, to not annoy him. And at these thoughts my muscles twitch, involuntarily, almost as if my body is going on the defensive, as if a danger is approaching.

"Okay, don’t worry. Take a moment," Jane tells me, with a different look than before. Not that classic look of pity, which many people have when they hear stories like these, but more of an attentive, inquiring look, which does not give me a feeling of intrusiveness. It almost seems to want to take me by the hand and accompany me into the dark corners of my mind.

I close my eyes for a second, trying to calm my breathing. 

_ Eyes on me. _

I hear your voice in my head, I see your face for a second, while you caress my cheeks with your hands. Ah, that’s the coup de grace. 

“What my father did made me a stronger woman. I won an Olympic medal, I’m one of the youngest women ever to become a captain of the Seattle Fire Department. I’m a force, a true force of nature, and every goal I’ve reached, I’ve reached with my own legs. They are not his conquests, but mine!” “Then what is it about what your father did to you that still frighties you?”

I didn't expect a therapist to go in so heavy, so direct. I just hope it turns out to be what I needed in the long run. 

"It scares me that I might be like him." 

Silence falls in this room. Besides, the coldness in my tone of voice while I say certain things often freezes me too. I see her taking some notes on the planner she keeps on her lap. I’m curious but sure I don’t want to know what's in it, also because I've seen her write enough since the beginning of the session.

“Ok Maya, I’d say we’ve set our starting point. Now, I’d like to ask you again a question I already asked you. Try not to focus on the answer you have already given me, but just think about what you have told me and follow your instincts. Okay?” 

I nod yes. I’m not sure where this is going, but I want to let myself go. 

“Why did you decide to come to therapy, Maya?” Wow, all of a sudden this question, which I thought I knew the answer to, seems to catch me unprepared. But I want to follow my instincts, and let the words come out of my mouth as they come. As soon as I get them.

"I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore. I want to believe that I'm not a monster like my father, and I want to do everything I can to not become like him." 

Yeah, did they come out! 

“Okay... I want to point out how your response is no longer focused on a specific event or something external, but on you. You put you and what you want at the center. There's no more talk of an episode to want to make up for. It's about a journey you want to make on yourself, and that's the only effective long-term motivation."

I reflect upon Jane’s words. But I can’t help but think of you: it was you who advised me to do it and if I had just followed your advice before, maybe... maybe you would still be with me. 

“It’s normal, Maya, that right now you’re thinking about the person who pushed you to take this step. From what I learned about you in this first session, it couldn’t have been easy to make a decision like this. But I want you to understand that this path is about you and especially for you.

Only then, regardless of what happens tomorrow, you will be able not to fall back into what you yourself have called mistakes.” 

She’s absolutely right. I know, but I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking about you.

“Ok… I think that’s enough for today, Maya. We’ll continue during next session.”


	14. Hurt

**Maya POV**

You’re so quiet on the drive home. I’m holding my right hand on your leg while I drive, our fingers are intertwined. I definitely have proof that you’re off somewhere when one of your favorite songs starts and you don’t even blink an eye. You usually sing it so loudly that you inevitably drag me into your delirium, too. Your gaze is slightly turned to the opposite side, not allowing me to understand what’s wrong.

So I shake your hand slightly, as if to get your attention. 

“Hey, sorry”, you say, in a guilty tone. 

“Don’t worry, we’re almost home.” 

As soon as we get out of the car, you sneak into the house without even looking at me. You walk with your face almost to the ground, ruffling your hair with one hand. I thought you’d feel a little better, at least a little bit, after my simple surprise.

I take a breath before going inside. It seems that making you feel better is gonna be harder than I thought, but I don’t want to be discouraged. 

I close the door behind me, and when I turn around, I see you standing with your back, your hands resting on the kitchen table. You must have dumped your bag and coat as soon as you walked in, ’cause they’re both on the floor on opposite sides of the entrance. As I gather them, to put them in their place, I will not take my eyes off you for a second. It kills me to know you’re so tormented.

“Carina”... I call you in a low voice, as if to remind you that you’re not alone, that I’m here for you. 

“I kissed Arizona”, you say, a second before you start to cry. I can hear you trying to hold back the tears as you move your hand through your hair again. It’s something you often do when you’re upset. But my mind goes back to those words. “You... what?” I ask you incredulously. In fact, I admit that your words are unambiguous, but I hope I misunderstood. I hope so with all my heart. You don’t utter a word, and you don’t turn to me, so I’ll come near.

"Carina, you what...?" I ask again, as if to give you the benefit of the doubt. The silence from you continues, but I just can't tolerate it right now. I grab your arm, forcing you to turn around. I immediately loosen my grip, realizing the initial strength I put on my hand. Your eyes are filled with tears and your face bears the marks of the wet trails they left on it. "I kissed Arizona... and I'm sorry" 

"You... you're sorry?" I ask you, rhetorically, my voice filled with anger.

I look at you and realize right away that we both know the problem isn’t so much that you kissed someone else, it’s who you kissed. I can see your eyes almost startled by my reaction. I realize I need to put some distance between us, not look at you, hoping it’ll be enough to calm the growing rage. I’m leaning against the back of the couch, my body facing you. But I can’t look up, not yet at least.

“Maya, please, let me explain”, you tell me, coming towards me, caressing my arm, which I move as soon as I feel that touch. I walk away, wanting to put more distance between us. 

“I... I need a minute” is all I can say. And that’s what I really need.

**Carina POV**

When you walk away from me, moving your arm away from under my fingers, my heart breaks. You’re asking me to give you a moment, but your reaction makes me realize that all my worries were justified. We both know the kiss isn’t the problem. It’s Arizona. For days you’ve been worried about the consequences of her return to town. Now this!

I put a hand through my hair, feeling my heart go crazy. When I watch you with the corner of my eye turning towards me again, I meet your gaze. I’m afraid you’re ready to pass judgment, final and irrevocable. I turn my body towards you, my arms stretched out along my hips, as if to say ‘cry out, bring out all your anger’. But then I pay more attention to your gaze.

“I... I can’t judge you, Carina.” 

When I hear you say those words, I sense every ounce of the fatigue, of the ache you’re feeling. And how much I hurt you. 

“I just have one question for you...” 

I can’t breathe, hearing those words, afraid of what will come out of your mouth next. 

“Are you still in love with her?” 

I could answer right away. I wish I could. It’s just not that simple. I hesitate for what seems like a second, but I realize it might be a second too long for you.

“Ok, I got it... I’m sorry but I need to get out of here”, you say, ready to walk to the door, but as you turn around, I can see you’re crying. I don’t give up for a second this time and I come towards you, grabbing your arm, forcing you to turn back to me. “What do you want from me?” 

You’re shouting at me, almost like a roaring lion. That’s the old Maya. But you immediately realize this, that the old you is back and your expression becomes even more disappointed, you are angry with yourself almost as you are with me.

You close your eyes for a moment as tears stream down your face, and I take the opportunity to take your face in my hands. I feel you grasping my wrists tightly and I fear you are about to pull me away from you again. Instead you almost seem to cling to my arms, like a tired, wounded animal. You keep not looking at me, your eyes closed. 

"Hey, Maya," I say, lifting your face slightly with my touch, hoping that will convince you to meet your gaze with mine. And that's exactly what you do.

“Let me explain, please” I’m asking you in a pleading voice, knowing I’m not in a position to make demands. 

You nod your head to answer me as you take my hand and follow me to the couch. I take a deep breath, trying to figure out where to start, but also what to tell you. I look into your eyes, one more time, before I can finally say a word. 

“I don’t know what came over me. I was devastated by the loss of my patient, I needed to throw out what I felt when Arizona saw me...”

I tell you briefly what happened, meeting your gaze, but I couldn’t sustain it for long. You listen to me, silently, with an expression I can’t decipher. I thought I knew all your facial expressions, but apparently I was wrong. 

“...I don’t know why I kissed her. I was confused. I wasn’t myself. And I know that’s not a valid excuse, I know perfectly well! But it’s the truth, Maya, I swear!”

At these last words, I instinctively reach out a hand towards his face, placing it on it and making our gazes meet once more. She grabs my wrist, and I'm afraid she'll chase my hand away from her face. Her breathing gets louder, deeper, and her gaze more intense. She stays silent until she can calm herself down. 

"You still haven't answered my question..." she says, looking at me even more intently. My eyebrows twitch in a puzzled expression. You understand I don't remember what you asked me.

“I asked if you still love her”... she tells me, in an almost aseptic or exhausted tone of voice, I can’t quite understand it. I look at you and I realize you don’t need a straight answer right now: you need the truth. The cold hard truth. Whatever it is. As long as it’s true. 

“Maya”... I say, like to request you to don’t ask me that. 

“I asked you if you still love her...” 

Her tone of voice betrays this time her disappointment and anger. Her eyes implore the truth to match her hopes.

"Arizona has been an important person to me. Somehow knowing her marked me. But the answer to your question is no. And I'm not saying that because it's what I hope you want to hear me say, but because it's what I feel." 

I pause after these words. Like making sure the message got through loud and clear. You snap up from the couch, heading for the window. I'd like to get closer to you, to hug you, but I understand that you need to put some distance between us, to be able to think more clearly perhaps.

Your answer comes in dry, like a frozen bucket. "Okay" 

That's it. Just an "okay."

**Maya POV**

All I can say is, "Okay." I don't want to answer right away. I repeat your words in my mind, replaying them, as if on a loop. 

“You said you don't love her?" I ask you, as if I wanted yet another confirmation of what you said.

"No, Maya. You're the woman I love. The one and only..." you say approaching me. I feel you rest your hand on my back, caressing me, and I feel your face watching me as you come beside me. I can't judge you, I've done far worse to you in the past, but we both knew that for me, sex with Jack was, in fact, just sex.

You only kissed someone else, but you and Arizona had an affair. It is inevitable that this plays a key role. 

"...I love you, Maya," you tell me, almost as if to give even more strength to those words, whispered only seconds ago. I'm watching you say it. 

"No more bullshit like that?" I ask you, direct, almost brutal. Our eyes meet. 

"No more, I promise," you reply, your eyes fixed on me. 

“Okay..." is all I can say.

You come closer to me as you caress my arm. I still don’t feel completely comfortable with your touch, and you probably feel it from the stiffness of my muscles under your fingers. You look at me with those pleading and at the same time grateful eyes, which move me inside, deep. I’d like to kiss you. I need it in my bowels. But the thought of your lips being someone else’s still troubles me today. I need to touch you, but I can’t. Not yet.

I decide the only thing I can do right now is get away from you. So I turn around, walking towards the entrance. 

“Sorry, but I need to get some air”... I tell you, in a hoarse voice. Your eyes follow me, but I can’t stand it now. But I want to give you some comfort. 

“Don’t go away, please… I’ll be back. Wait for me.


End file.
